If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize