Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
