I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
