When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
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The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
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He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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