i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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