he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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