i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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