I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
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I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
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Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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