exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
