I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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