somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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