mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
