my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
even my farts smell like vagina
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
