She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
