I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
