we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
