he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
