woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
