My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
