my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
