she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
