I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
