Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
