You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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