FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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