I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
