I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
did i walk over a car last night?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
