I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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