he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
