Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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