she woke up with a sticky ear
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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