i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
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I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
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He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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