you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
