i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
