I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
