i wish my penis had a tongue
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize