is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
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You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
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Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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