i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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