totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I need water and some morals
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
