I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
