Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
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...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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