Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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