I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just gargled with NyQuil
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
