I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
