I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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