I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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