I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
