Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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