I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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