Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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