The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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