life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
