have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
did i walk over a car last night?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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