Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
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Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
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You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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