When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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