At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I want to be your penis for a week.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
