My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
