How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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